You're right. That came out wrong. Sorry, I'm just so angry at whatever the fuck John did to her that it's spilling out. This isn't her fault. He did something to her that I don't know how to fix. And I don't want to hurt her to find out.
Hey. Don't you start fucking talking like that. John has had ten thousand years of practice with manipulating people.
And I was worried something like this might happen anyway, as soon as I saw her cocoon. Back where I'm from, when the city decided you had to change, it usually wasn't very good. (Ask me about the night my heart got rewired.) I hoped she was just in that cocoon for safekeeping. Serves me right for hoping.
[anna reads this. backs away from the omni. pinches the bridge of her nose. even in the height of her emotions, and she is absolutely fucking at the zenith in this moment, she can't. not to paul.]
Well, she looked fine on the video. As fine as a corpse can look.
But if she wasn't listening to you, then John probably already had his claws in her.
[why can't she just focus on her sister? why is it always about somebody else?]
I just don't know how much of her is left. She said that things don't last forever and it really made it sound like she was turning her back on us. And I just...
That's not her. That can't be a choice she'd actually make.
Gideon never had anyone care about her like we care about her, except for Harrowhark, and she doesn't even think Harrowhark cares about her, half the time.
She thinks all she's for is being good for something. Being someone's cavalier, or a weapon, or someone who makes us laugh. Never anyone who needs anything, never vulnerable. Never really a human being.
Wherever she was, whatever happened to her, it took her back there.
[she should've seen this. she should've recognized it better. she should have been able to look at gideon and seen herself at her worst. what the fuck good is she.]
I should've known her better. I'm sorry I didn't. But now I know better for the next time I talk to her.
I just hope that she can look at all of this, You know, once we get her back, And she can see how much we all love her without ever asking for a single thing from her.
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Sorry, I'm just so angry at whatever the fuck John did to her that it's spilling out.
This isn't her fault.
He did something to her that I don't know how to fix.
And I don't want to hurt her to find out.
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He knows what she wanted from him. He finally decided to give it to her. I don't know why. I don't know what changed.
I tried to get her to stay and I made it worse.
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John has had ten thousand years of practice with manipulating people.
And I was worried something like this might happen anyway, as soon as I saw her cocoon.
Back where I'm from, when the city decided you had to change, it usually wasn't very good. (Ask me about the night my heart got rewired.)
I hoped she was just in that cocoon for safekeeping. Serves me right for hoping.
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I thought, what if they found a way to bring her back there?
It looks like he did.
I did make it worse, Anna. I set her on fire. There is no set of circumstances where that is not worse, don't you think?
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cw: blood in icon
I don't know what happened.
It got away from me.
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Well, she looked fine on the video.
As fine as a corpse can look.
But if she wasn't listening to you, then John probably already had his claws in her.
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I could have hurt her. She knows that.
Anna, you have to talk to her. She listens to you.
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I can't promise anything.
I feel like if she won't listen to you, I don't have great odds either.
I hope it fucking works. I really do. I don't want to lose another sister.
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Do what you can.
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I tried.
I'm not giving up on her, but I can't keep doing this right now.
I'm sorry, Paul.
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Like what I'm trying to do with my mistakes.
It doesn't feel right. He's done so much worse.
Hasn't he?
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You didn't see her up close. You didn't see
I care about her.
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[why can't she just focus on her sister? why is it always about somebody else?]
I just don't know how much of her is left.
She said that things don't last forever and it really made it sound like she was turning her back on us.
And I just...
That's not her. That can't be a choice she'd actually make.
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Gideon never had anyone care about her like we care about her, except for Harrowhark, and she doesn't even think Harrowhark cares about her, half the time.
She thinks all she's for is being good for something. Being someone's cavalier, or a weapon, or someone who makes us laugh. Never anyone who needs anything, never vulnerable. Never really a human being.
Wherever she was, whatever happened to her, it took her back there.
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[she should've seen this. she should've recognized it better. she should have been able to look at gideon and seen herself at her worst. what the fuck good is she.]
I should've known her better.
I'm sorry I didn't.
But now I know better for the next time I talk to her.
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She didn't want you to see it. She doesn't want anyone to see it. You're not wrong for doing what she wanted you to do.
We can't always see each other the ways that we should. The ways we want to see, and be seen.
I didn't see this either. I didn't see this could happen. I didn't let myself look.
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You know, once we get her back,
And she can see how much we all love her without ever asking for a single thing from her.
The only thing I ever wanted her to be was happy.
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I know that she knows that, somewhere.
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I still believe in her.
Thanks for keeping me focused, Paul.
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