I do not mind coming. I wasn't sure if you were still close to his house or not.
[because he's not risking seeing the dude again now that he's apparently decided he's done playing nice and docile. also not going to dance around any of it either.]
How many are staying there? I'm planning on bringing tea that helps lower it and some of the small orbs from April.
As it is done now? Making the Cavalier a furnace for their power?
No. I saw an alternate world in my time here where my other self was attempting to try just that, and he deemed it likely impossible without destroying the host and Cavalier soul alike.
From what I have heard from both Harrow and Gideon their lyctorhood is incomplete. That is already promising, my other self did not believe the cavalier could be saved in traditional lyctorhood, when the soul was already too melded with the host's source of power.
Aside from that I would not be shocked if this is less a matter of their incomplete lyctorhood and more the fault of the Trench and its oddities.
[Everything Paul did to keep her safe, to weave an invisible and binding net between them, to make him see her the way that Paul did - irreplaceable, unique, loved - and all of it for nothing.]
Lyctorhood or Trench, she's in a body she's not supposed to be in. I require her returned to me.
[he doesn't love the tone here, 'i require her returned to me' and only asking if the cavalier can be preserved. given everything that has happened, even only the vague news he's heard, he does not trust now that paul won't trample this other person's life to free gideon.
not that he'll say as much yet. what an exhausting month.]
I'll look into it. There are more than a few people here who could likely help, and paleblood power may be capable of helping untangle a mind with two occupants.
[He can half-guess why Viktor asks. He'd think the same, in his position, and if his assurances were worth anything, he might bother to offer some. Last resort, only if, but who would believe him, and why would they?]
I have my own passenger who needs to be put back where he belongs.
We broke something in the world. I have to make it right.
[Oscar hasn't been intruding much during this time. Although he knew he could take over use of the hands and voice at any point, he didn't. Such acts would do irreparable damage in this delicate situation.
He had been on the receiving side of that kind of act before. ]
It was acting alone that got us into this, Paul. We're gonna have to work together and with others to fix it.
[One of the most difficult parts of this has been having nowhere to hide when he answers. He can lie, if he wants to, but he's never had to lie internally before. He doesn't know how to mask the tells.
(Or is that what he tells himself to explain why he barely ever tries?)]
He's Palamedes' partner. He doesn't want to hear any of this from me.
If he's Palamedes' partner, then he's already involved.
[So was Ruby. So was Dipper. So was anyone affiliated with himself, Willow, and Faith. As discreet as he was trying to be, the harrowing recollection of Oz's simple, tired explanation of 'they're OUR thoughts, now' never left his awareness. There was only so much he could do without spilling over into Paul-- both with his identity quandaries, the responsibilities he carried, and his own worries for his 'House.'
All he could do was try to keep his cool. No matter how tenuous that hold seemed.]
He's going to hear about everything at some point. You're not sparing him anything. You're just delaying what's gonna happen anyway.
[Oscar is right, and the trick of it is that underneath his denial, Paul knows that. His defensiveness has all the forcefulness of a half-blind boxer weaving on his feet, the last one left who can't see that he's beaten.
Exhaustion rolls through him in a slow wave. He slumps where he sits, rubbing the heel of his hand against the socket of his eye.]
[He could feel that exhaustion. Oscar could feel everything-- and it was all he could do in many ways to keep himself afloat within it. There wasn't much comfort be could offer as a disembodied voice... ]
I understand that better than you think.
[How much of his efforts in the last couple years had been an effort to 'spare himself'? ]
Let him try, Paul. There's nothing to lose anymore.
You need a chance to rest. If you'll allow it, there's something I want to show you to help with that.
This sounds like a Trench matter. I would not be terribly shocked to hear this has to do with Mariana and what transpired.
[a pause, and with a sigh he decides to just say it.]
You are not the only one involved, Paul. You have your part, yes, but taking the bulk of the burden like a martyr will do no good, not for what guilt you harbor and not for those you hurt.
In truth you've sounded like him a handful of times this conversation. "Requiring" her back, this lonely crusade to make things right. When I spoke to him of his world, when Remina forced him to share truths he did not wish to, he had a similar tone. As though the world belonged to him, his grand responsibility.
Listen to yourself, Paul. How is that the lesson you have learned from this?
You cannot help someone who does not want the help. That is a good point here as well, I realize. Do you want help? Or have you already decided you are beyond it?
Who decides what we deserve, Paul? Life is not so simple, there is not a strike system or set number of tries we get before we're discarded.
I spent nearly a decade making the wrong decision, because it felt like the right one, because I believed eventually it would pay off. It did not, I failed my goal in ways I cannot begin to grapple with without losing myself to how pointless and worthless it all was. I trusted a system I knew would never accept me, I put faith in the good will of people I knew only cared about their bottom line.
I am here now, and I try again. If I fail again I will stand up and keep trying, because that's all we can do. It's all you can do. You trusted the wrong person, you did something unspeakable to people who trusted you. People were hurt and died. Some may forgive you, some may not.
So let me be frank, excusing yourself as beyond chances and hope is the easy way and I am sure you are aware of that. Be better than that, Paul. I would not be speaking to you now if I did not believe you were.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
private
private ∞
The Cobra Kai dojo.
That's where we all are.
[
You don't have toHow is P]You don't have to come that far. We can meet you closer. Or you can leave it some place you choose.
no subject
[because he's not risking seeing the dude again now that he's apparently decided he's done playing nice and docile. also not going to dance around any of it either.]
How many are staying there? I'm planning on bringing tea that helps lower it and some of the small orbs from April.
no subject
[There is more than one absence there, a household sliced apart.]
We have Gideon with us.
I remember you asking her about Lyctorhood.
How much did Palamedes tell you?
no subject
Most of what he knew, which the "Emperor" confirmed under Remina's influence. More still after, but I am not sure that is my place to say.
Why?
no subject
no subject
No. I saw an alternate world in my time here where my other self was attempting to try just that, and he deemed it likely impossible without destroying the host and Cavalier soul alike.
no subject
no subject
no subject
I told her I was coming back for her.
no subject
[honestly he can kind of guess and boy]
From what I have heard from both Harrow and Gideon their lyctorhood is incomplete. That is already promising, my other self did not believe the cavalier could be saved in traditional lyctorhood, when the soul was already too melded with the host's source of power.
Aside from that I would not be shocked if this is less a matter of their incomplete lyctorhood and more the fault of the Trench and its oddities.
no subject
[Everything Paul did to keep her safe, to weave an invisible and binding net between them, to make him see her the way that Paul did - irreplaceable, unique, loved - and all of it for nothing.]
Lyctorhood or Trench, she's in a body she's not supposed to be in. I require her returned to me.
Can the cavalier be preserved?
no subject
[he doesn't love the tone here, 'i require her returned to me' and only asking if the cavalier can be preserved. given everything that has happened, even only the vague news he's heard, he does not trust now that paul won't trample this other person's life to free gideon.
not that he'll say as much yet. what an exhausting month.]
I'll look into it. There are more than a few people here who could likely help, and paleblood power may be capable of helping untangle a mind with two occupants.
no subject
[He can half-guess why Viktor asks. He'd think the same, in his position, and if his assurances were worth anything, he might bother to offer some. Last resort, only if, but who would believe him, and why would they?]
I have my own passenger who needs to be put back where he belongs.
We broke something in the world. I have to make it right.
Not here | Paul
[Oscar hasn't been intruding much during this time. Although he knew he could take over use of the hands and voice at any point, he didn't. Such acts would do irreparable damage in this delicate situation.
He had been on the receiving side of that kind of act before. ]
It was acting alone that got us into this, Paul. We're gonna have to work together and with others to fix it.
I think.
... We'll get Gideon back, too.
no subject
[One of the most difficult parts of this has been having nowhere to hide when he answers. He can lie, if he wants to, but he's never had to lie internally before. He doesn't know how to mask the tells.
(Or is that what he tells himself to explain why he barely ever tries?)]
He's Palamedes' partner. He doesn't want to hear any of this from me.
no subject
[So was Ruby. So was Dipper. So was anyone affiliated with himself, Willow, and Faith. As discreet as he was trying to be, the harrowing recollection of Oz's simple, tired explanation of 'they're OUR thoughts, now' never left his awareness. There was only so much he could do without spilling over into Paul-- both with his identity quandaries, the responsibilities he carried, and his own worries for his 'House.'
All he could do was try to keep his cool. No matter how tenuous that hold seemed.]
He's going to hear about everything at some point. You're not sparing him anything. You're just delaying what's gonna happen anyway.
no subject
Exhaustion rolls through him in a slow wave. He slumps where he sits, rubbing the heel of his hand against the socket of his eye.]
Maybe I'm the one trying to spare myself.
no subject
I understand that better than you think.
[How much of his efforts in the last couple years had been an effort to 'spare himself'? ]
Let him try, Paul. There's nothing to lose anymore.
You need a chance to rest. If you'll allow it, there's something I want to show you to help with that.
no subject
This sounds like a Trench matter. I would not be terribly shocked to hear this has to do with Mariana and what transpired.
[a pause, and with a sigh he decides to just say it.]
You are not the only one involved, Paul. You have your part, yes, but taking the bulk of the burden like a martyr will do no good, not for what guilt you harbor and not for those you hurt.
In truth you've sounded like him a handful of times this conversation. "Requiring" her back, this lonely crusade to make things right. When I spoke to him of his world, when Remina forced him to share truths he did not wish to, he had a similar tone. As though the world belonged to him, his grand responsibility.
no subject
[That much is simple to type. It sits there while he takes in the rest.]
We are alike.
I thought that might change anything. I thought I could help him.
Look where that got us.
Why should I let anyone else make that mistake with me?
no subject
You cannot help someone who does not want the help. That is a good point here as well, I realize. Do you want help? Or have you already decided you are beyond it?
1/2
2/2
How many chances do I deserve to keep getting that wrong?
no subject
I spent nearly a decade making the wrong decision, because it felt like the right one, because I believed eventually it would pay off. It did not, I failed my goal in ways I cannot begin to grapple with without losing myself to how pointless and worthless it all was. I trusted a system I knew would never accept me, I put faith in the good will of people I knew only cared about their bottom line.
I am here now, and I try again. If I fail again I will stand up and keep trying, because that's all we can do. It's all you can do. You trusted the wrong person, you did something unspeakable to people who trusted you. People were hurt and died. Some may forgive you, some may not.
So let me be frank, excusing yourself as beyond chances and hope is the easy way and I am sure you are aware of that. Be better than that, Paul. I would not be speaking to you now if I did not believe you were.
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
cw: blood in icon
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)