No, Johnny, I don't have any better ideas. I don't think there are any better ideas. But I don't have to like that everyone just keeps throwing themselves into the eternal meat grinder that is John fucking Gaius.
I get it, kid. If it's any consolation I think the guy is going to be too much of a pussy to actually take me up on this. Last time around he was the same way. He'd rather play volleyball with some kid then fight me like a man.
I do too. That's why I have to do this. I just want her to see that we're here and we actually give a shit about her. But if she comes back it has to be her own choice.
I talked with her already. I don't know what Kool-Aid John's been making her drink but it seems like she just doesn't give a shit about any of us anymore. I don't know, dude, maybe that's me being presumptuous, but I just. I fucking thought I would mean more to her.
I am not certain she's able to feel anything properly at all. I saw her eyes and nothing has ever hurt me like that. I watched both of my parents die and nothing has ever caused me such pain.
I do not think that the Emperor Undying will harm anyone for trying to be kind to her, even if it involves physical harm to his person; that is not something he values.
[ harrow is desperate and lost; she'll follow anyone who grabs hold. thankfully ilarion got to her first, but most influences are whirring around in her head. ]
Everything.
Not black like mine, which we might have anticipated. Almost soulless, because I broke her, she forced my hand but I I struggle to -- I believe all the pieces aren't lined up right --
Everyone must understand she is the reason I live and there is very little of me able to hang on to what is left
I know. Kainé was that for me. When I lost her... I understand what losing someone like that does.
All I know is that it isn't her. Whoever Kiriona Gaia is, it isn't Gideon Nav. She said it herself. She told Midoriya that she's a construct. I don't know if that means that Gideon is still inside her, or if Gideon is still Here but somewhere else that we can't reach. Maybe she's in the River and John is just puppeting her body. I don't know.
It is her body and at least part of her soul but my guess is the soul is pinned and not fully integrated. Parts of it are also walled off. Parts of it I think are actually me. If I knew how to give her that part back
If I could get to the River I don't understand sometimes why we can't I would search endlessly, and I trust I would have you and Paul and Ilarion with me.
She shared hers with me. I tried to find a way to reciprocate the process, make it go in both directions -- we ran out of time and she and another [...] forced my hand.
But I would, if there were missing pieces that needed to be filled.
I didn't know it was like that. The girl living inside me is the same way, so I know what it's like almost literally. It's miserable. I'm sorry. We'll get her back for you.
Best I can say right now is that I think you do matter to the kid. But Old Black Eyes has sunk his claws in with something she thinks she needs. And it's turning her into a right asshole to try and keep a hold of that. ...I should know- I fell into the same shit when I was in high school.
[okay, cool, he doesn't have heaven's gate where he's from. that's good to know. or he's just stupid. it's not the point.]
Then if we want her back, we just have to show her that we can give her the same thing without any conditions. Without her having to feel like she needs to be a huge-ass dick about everything to be worthy of love. She doesn't have to do anything to be worthy of love.
You hit it right out of the park there, kid. Hell. I'm not even opposed to her wanting to have a relationship with the asshole if that's what he wants. I want to say that I've been the shitty dad to someone before. But the truth is I'm still the shitty dad to them in a lot of way. But I want him to prove that he actually wants her to be around and wants her to be like this. And it's not just him inviting her along to his shitty parade.
It's, like, a joke, but it's not really a joke, how fucking pissed off I am that he's stealing the Black Parade for this. Like, I know he knows who Gerard Way is. I know he knows MCR. And I know he knows that the whole point of that album is someone dying and vowing to live on in death free of the expectations of their life. And I KNOW he's being a fucking dick about this on purpose.
But none of that actually matters right now. God knows I have a fucked up enough relationship with John, too. But I know that I have other people who love me outside of him. And I think if you try hard enough then you can show that to her, too. I'm not giving up on her, but I think that maybe I should probably take a step back from doing something this time. It still hurts too much.
Not gonna lie, kid. Never heard of the song or the album. But it sounds kind of cool. And I wouldn't put it past Old Black Eyes to be doing this shit on purpose.
If that's what you need take the time that you need. I'm going to keep on fighting. Because all the hurt in the world isn't going to stop me from showing her how much she matters here. And we don't accept defeat in this dojo.
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I've got a pair of sunglasses that match hers, a matching shirt, and her sword. So I'm going give that asshole a piece of my mind while wearing that.
You got anything you can contribute to that?
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Or should I just start looking for your squid now.
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I know it's a stupid plan.
That's exactly why old Black Eyes wont see it coming.
If you have any better ideas, shoot.
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I don't think there are any better ideas.
But I don't have to like that everyone just keeps throwing themselves into the eternal meat grinder that is John fucking Gaius.
I want her back too. I want her back so bad.
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If it's any consolation I think the guy is going to be too much of a pussy to actually take me up on this.
Last time around he was the same way.
He'd rather play volleyball with some kid then fight me like a man.
I do too.
That's why I have to do this.
I just want her to see that we're here and we actually give a shit about her.
But if she comes back it has to be her own choice.
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I don't know what Kool-Aid John's been making her drink but it seems like she just doesn't give a shit about any of us anymore.
I don't know, dude, maybe that's me being presumptuous, but I just.
I fucking thought I would mean more to her.
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So didShe doesn't.I am not certain she's able to feel anything properly at all. I saw her eyes and nothing has ever hurt me like that. I watched both of my parents die and nothing has ever caused me such pain.
I do not think that the Emperor Undying will harm anyone for trying to be kind to her, even if it involves physical harm to his person; that is not something he values.
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What was wrong with her eyes?
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Everything.
Not black like mine, which we might have anticipated. Almost soulless
, because I broke her, she forced my hand but II struggle to -- I believe all the pieces aren't lined up right --Everyone must understand she is the reason I live and there is very little of me able to hang on to what is left
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Kainé was that for me. When I lost her...
I understand what losing someone like that does.
All I know is that it isn't her. Whoever Kiriona Gaia is, it isn't Gideon Nav.
She said it herself. She told Midoriya that she's a construct.
I don't know if that means that Gideon is still inside her, or if Gideon is still Here but somewhere else that we can't reach.
Maybe she's in the River and John is just puppeting her body.
I don't know.
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If I could get to the River
I don't understand sometimes why we can'tI would search endlessly, and I trust I would have you and Paul and Ilarion with me.no subject
You share your soul with her?
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But I would, if there were missing pieces that needed to be filled.
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The girl living inside me is the same way, so I know what it's like almost literally.
It's miserable. I'm sorry.
We'll get her back for you.
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I am so sorry to you both, I was not—paying close enough attention, I did not realize you had two souls to that body, I have been rude.
I would owe you everything.
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What's wrong with Kool-Aid?
Best I can say right now is that I think you do matter to the kid.
But Old Black Eyes has sunk his claws in with something she thinks she needs.
And it's turning her into a right asshole to try and keep a hold of that.
...I should know- I fell into the same shit when I was in high school.
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Then if we want her back, we just have to show her that we can give her the same thing without any conditions.
Without her having to feel like she needs to be a huge-ass dick about everything to be worthy of love.
She doesn't have to do anything to be worthy of love.
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You hit it right out of the park there, kid.
Hell. I'm not even opposed to her wanting to have a relationship with the asshole if that's what he wants.
I want to say that I've been the shitty dad to someone before.
But the truth is I'm still the shitty dad to them in a lot of way.
But I want him to prove that he actually wants her to be around and wants her to be like this.
And it's not just him inviting her along to his shitty parade.
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Like, I know he knows who Gerard Way is. I know he knows MCR.
And I know he knows that the whole point of that album is someone dying and vowing to live on in death free of the expectations of their life.
And I KNOW he's being a fucking dick about this on purpose.
But none of that actually matters right now.
God knows I have a fucked up enough relationship with John, too. But I know that I have other people who love me outside of him.
And I think if you try hard enough then you can show that to her, too.
I'm not giving up on her, but I think that maybe I should probably take a step back from doing something this time.
It still hurts too much.
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Never heard of the song or the album.
But it sounds kind of cool.
And I wouldn't put it past Old Black Eyes to be doing this shit on purpose.
If that's what you need take the time that you need.
I'm going to keep on fighting.
Because all the hurt in the world isn't going to stop me from showing her how much she matters here.
And we don't accept defeat in this dojo.
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This isn't accepting defeat for me either. This is a tactical retreat. And I think both of us know the difference.
Please just be safe about it. The mercy within this dojo has got to extend to you too.
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I get it, kid.
When you have a clear head come back into the fight.
...Yeah. Well- I can take a break once I know she's in good hands.
If I'm lucky that wont take long.
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Get back in one piece.
And calling people kid is MY line.
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